Last night he told me that he was really glad he and I are still together. I asked him what he meant and he told me that he thought I would have left him by now because he can't be the man I married. That made me want to cry that he feels disappointed in himself like that. I told him that I married him for better or worse, that I love him unconditionally. That in 2003 when I had cancer and lost the ability to have children, became extremely depressed and had no idea if I would even survive all of it and he stood right there by my side. But this makes me aware of how vulnerable he really is. That he has fears I would possibly leave him due to this disease. RSD has really changed our lives.
So here I am, in the living room, I have him in direct line of sight and can hear him if he needs me. I thought maybe he could sleep better if I got out of bed. The alarm will go off in a little over an hour now. If we didn't set the alarm and force him to wake up, he says he would sleep forever. I have seen him sleep 18 hours at a time. All the heavy medications he takes all of the time, he can't keep his eyes open sometimes. He is also starting to have depression. Although he is on Cymbalta now which has helped some I think, some days he is a bit grouchy, some days I can tell he is simply down in the dumps. I wish there was something... anything I could do to help him get out of pain.
I think it's time to watch some television and take my mind off all of this. Take care everyone, keep up the hope!
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